Regrets and repents.

In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.

Without a doubt the year that has gone by  was a tough for me.   I was short on patience, and as a result handled my life a little more loosly than I should have.  I started to doubt why My life was the way it was and the things that I thought I was missing out on.

But, Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.

Then came reflection  in my self.  I had to beg for forgiveness from the god above.   I was wrong.  In a moment or moments of weakness I gave in to Things I shud'nt have and took for granted the gifts that I had been given.  This has taught me a pretty powerful lesson.

I prayed long and hard to be blessed with peace.   It's all I ever wanted and want. With everything going on with people that are in my family and friends that I know, the problems i have been highlighting to myself are the least of any problems and should still be considered a blessing at the end of the day.  Mom told me once, that maybe God did not want me to live the way I wanted to. May be he had a better plan for me and so gave me what I deserved the most. But as mentioned earlier, I failed to recognize god's gifts.   A hard pill to swallow.  Why would he deny someone who so much just wanted to love and cherish a life as much as any one did?  I forgot how much I prayed and ask for the things that I have.  Now I have them; 2 beautiful, heathly, loving children.  A winderful family and a caring environment.  God forgive me for taking for granted the beautiful gifts that you felt I deserved.

What's more loving than my son saying - " I love you mommy" or get to hear that concerned enquiry from my daughter when I am facing challenges.    Those tiny hands and  feet, the jhonsons baby smell, the little first steps, first words, first day of school, and beautiful family pictures, that awsome family time, the minor fights between my kids, those innocent complaint, oh the list just goes on and on. Im really blessed to experience these.   I had not thought about how I would feel if tomorrow they were not there, and I had to go through the rest of my life without seeing what their full potential was or could have been.

My lovely kids,  you mean more to me than any person on earth. you mean more to me than the ability to be an entreprenuer, and you mean more to me than any gift in the universe. 

Children, remember, your amma loves you more than any of those things.  One day, it wont be young anymore to take ur care. I wont be able to hold ur finger and take you out. I will in turn try to hold your finger and walk on. You will then no longer have to wait for me to come home from office, I will look forward to you coming home and talking to me.    That day will come all too soon.  So I will remember more everyday from here on out how important these days are and how I should never again take for granted the gifts named Nidhir and Hasanthi  that God has graciously given to me, and trusted to my care for my entire life.

God thank you for making me realize that there is more joy to be found in a baby's admiration of his mommy than the love of any other person.   I will love my family  forever and ever and I promise to try harder to be a better mother and a better person.

A beautiful flower

The Most Beautiful Flower

The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree. Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown, For the world was intent on dragging me down.

And if that weren't enough to ruin my day, A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play. He stood right before me with his head tilted down And said with great excitement, "Look what I found!"

In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight, With its petals all worn - not enough rain, or too little light. Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play, I faked a small smile and then shifted away.

But instead of retreating he sat next to my side And placed the flower to his nose and declared with surprise, "It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too. That's why I picked it; here, it's for you."

The weed before me was dying or dead. Not vibrant of colors, orange, yellow or red. But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave. So I reached for the flower, and replied, "Just what I need."

But instead of him placing the flower in my hand, He held it mid-air without reason or plan. It was then that I noticed for the very first time That weed-toting boy could not see: he was blind.

I heard my voice quiver, tears shone like the sun As I thanked him for picking the very best one. "You're welcome," he smiled, and then ran off to play, Unaware of the impact he'd had on my day.

I sat there and wondered how he managed to see A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree. How did he know of my self-indulged plight? Perhaps from his heart, he'd been blessed with true sight.

Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see The problem was not with the world; the problem was me. And for all of those times I myself had been blind, I vowed to see beauty, and appreciate every second that's mine.

And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose And breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose And smiled as that young boy, another weed in his hand About to change the life of an unsuspecting old man.

- a repost cos it really touched me.

From corner, back to corner.

      
“In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.”
 
From corner to corner: 

I sit in the corner, lost in my own dreams, 
I hear the chatter going on in my brain, while I feel in my heart a sharp pain. 
I feel the pain, unknowingly,  I cover my heart
trying to shield it again from another break.
I feel the emptiness, I cry for the unknown. 

Hey, look there here comes a friend who takes your hand and gives you comfort. 
My heart, again it was set free to soar high up in the sky. 
My mind cautions me to be alert,my heart says - here is your eternal live. 
The voices in my head become louder
And the feelings of heart become stronger. I cannot tell the difference between what I am thinking and what my heart is feeling. It's utter chaos.  

I stepped  out of my safe place
I believed you,   I  cared for you and  I loved you more than myself. 
I felt the happiness in our conversations. 
I felt the warmth of your love,
Your words just wooed me into an euphoric state. 
I believed you and  I opened up. I flew to you, like a bee heads for a flower. 
I spread my wings, I took a chance, I soared up in the sky .... Cos I believed you. 
I felt you love,  you  made me feel wonderful. 
You  knew my soul, you  knew my weaknesses, you gave me strength,
I felt empowered by your love...

You gave me the  freedom to be me, to communicate my feelings 
    without being judged...

I forgot my pain. I forgot my corner . Life was beautiful and i started smiling more than often.

Days were sunny and bright. Monsoon breeze brought with it the fragrance of love, the rain gods showered the warm blessings.... Everything was just as beautiful as it can ever be. I had finally found LOVE. 

And then, the unexpected happened  Then the sun was not as bright
the warmth of his love turned cold and distant.
His words were almost non existent and what was once looked forward now became a childish act. 

Initially it was I want to talk to you and slowly it became I need to talk this out. 

There was no more  laughter in our voices, a laughter that I have become so used to. 

The conversations ceased. The approaches were termed sadistic pleasures. 

Now I sit here with only the voices, sometimes in the mind and with a pain in the heart always. I hear the chatter of the past that leaves a lump in my throat. 
I wonder why and  how the wondrous things and the beautiful things 
    always come to an end
And shatter the beliefs.

Alas,   the Shattered Beliefs always remain your friends, you start to believe that beliefs are by no means true. 
The thoughts haunt you with  conversations that last long into the morning. They don't allow you to sleep, they make you weep, and you are left in the corner yet again to heal yourself of the pain. 
    
Your beautiful  wings are clipped, they are ripped right from you as you sit upon a pile of dreams
A pile that is stained with tears, almost shredded with despair

I dared to believe you and I started to dream the impossible.  
What a fool...

I was to think I could trust you.
I was to Believe every word you said to me. 

I humbly returned to my corner as my  Beliefs closed. 
Slammed shut as I stood there begging to be let back in. 

I remember  how hard it was for me to trust you,  to open up to you and to share with you. 

with the tears of yesterday and tomorrow and  my Shattered Beliefs, all I can say is - I don’t miss you, I miss who I thought you will be for me.  

Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.